A man walked into his back yard one morning and found a gorilla in a tree. 

He called a gorilla-removal service, and soon serviceman arrived with a stick, a cihuahua (a rabbit-size breed of dog), a pair of handcuffs, and a shootgun. 

“Now listen carefully,” he told the homeowner.

”I’m going to climb the tree and poke the gorilla with this stick until he falls to the ground. The trained cihuahua will then go right for his, uh, sensitive area, and when the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands in front to protect himself, you slap on the handcuffs.”

“Got it,” the homeowner replied. 

“But what’s the shootgun for?”

“If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla,” the man said,” shoot the cihuahua.”

Source(s): Cn’S English Magazine Vol.2 No.11 and http://aljihad99.blogspot.com/

Posted by: Cynthia Farah Sakina  

I was teaching a very basic class in BASIC programming to a group of adults. Adults who have never been around computers before are very nervous and much harder to teach than children, however I am a patient person so I enjoy their successes.

However, I must share the following:

After putting a short program on the board, I told the students to type "R," "U," "N" and press return to see the program execute.

A hand went up in the back of the room, waving to get my attention, and the person attached to the hand said, "I did what you said and it didn't work." Knowing full-well that all of us make mistakes when typing at the computer, I suggested she retype "R," "U," "N" and press return. A few seconds later, the lady's hand goes up again. "It still doesn't work," she said.

So... I went back to see what the problem was ... only to find that instead of typing RUN, she had typed in the following: ARE YOU IN !

Source : http://www.onlyfunnystories.com

by : Fika Harningtyas

     Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before. The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble."

     The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"

     The second man replied, "I just turned out the light!" 

Source : www.flintstories.com

by : Tirza marly

     One day, in a crowded bus station there is a man who smokes. As a person who cares of environment, Budi doesn’t like people who smoking and wants to warn that man. But Budi doesn’t want that man angry because his statement, so Budi warn him softly. Budi came to the man and said, “sir, how long you’ve been smoking?”. He answered, “I’ve been smoking for 20 years”.

       

     “Tell me how much the price for a smoke” the man replied, “it’s about Rp. 2000, why are you asking?” then Budi replied again, “sir, don’t you ever think. If everyday you spent only a smoke, you may get Rp. 14.000 for a week if you save the money. If a month you may get Rp. 420.000 and for a year you may get Rp. 5.040.000. Now imagine if you save the money for 20 years as long you were smoking. You may get more than a hundred million rupiah and you can buy a car, house or anything with that money”.

       

     Calmly the man said, “now, I’m asking you. How old are you?” Budi answered, “i’m 25 years old”. Then the man asked again, “Are you smoking?” Budi replied, “of course, no!”. Then the man asked Budi, “so, do you have a car?”. Budi answered “no, i don’t have”.

Sourced by : www.google.com

by : M. Darmansyah

     It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things. 

     He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free. 

     Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again. 

"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them." Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act. 

     

     One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!" 

"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.

Sourced by : www.google.com

by : Parcellia wardani

     One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. 

     He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts. 

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

     At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. 

 

     The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help me, help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?" 

Source : http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/

Created by : Billy D.

Posted by : R.Laksmiari saraswati

     A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial-a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

     The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

     At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be in jail within 3 minutes!"

Source : http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/

by: Zahra faras sukma

    A man calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. 

     The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning and beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me." Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. 

     He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,"If I catch you, you are mine!!!" He lost 63 pounds that week. 

Source : http://www.onlyfunnystories.com/

by : Alya haniifah shahnaz

     Last week I went to the theatre. I had a very good seat. The play was very interesting. I did not enjoy it. A young man and a young woman were sitting behind me. They were talking very loudly.I got very angry. I could not hear the actors. I turned around. I looked at the man and the young woman angrily. They did not pay any attention.In the end, I could not bear it. I turned around again. “I could not hear a word” I said angrily.“It’s none of your business” the young man said rudely. “This is a private conversation

Sourced by : www.google.com

by : 

     So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what's for supper?”
“Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!”

sourced by : www.google.com

by : Adryani Tresna Winaya

     A tramp lie down and sleep in the park. He had been sleeping for about 5 minutes when a couple walked by. The man stopped, woke the tramp up , and asked him, "Excuse me.
Do you know what the time is?" The tramp replied, "I'm sorry - I don't have a watch, so I don't know the time."
The man apologized for waking the tramp and the couple walked away.

    The tramp lay down again, and after a few minutes went back to sleep. Just then, a woman, who was out walking her dog, shook the tramp's shoulder until he woke up again.
The woman said, "I'm sorry to trouble you, but I'm afraid I've lost my watch - do you happen to know the time?" The tramp was a little annoyed at being woken up again, but he politely told the woman that he didn't have a watch and didn't know the time.

    After the woman had gone, the tramp had an idea.
He opened the bag that contained all his possessions and got out a pen, a piece of paper and some string. On the paper, he wrote down, 'I do not have a watch. I do not know the time'.
He then hung the paper round his neck and eventually dropped off again.

    After about 15 minutes, a policeman who was walking through the park noticed the tramp asleep on the bench, and the sign around his neck.
He woke the tramp up and said, "I read your sign. I thought you'd like to know that it's 2:30 p.m."

Source : http://www.englishdirection.com/

     

     Unfortunately, when typing her address, he mistyped a letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher’s wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

     

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Sourced by : www.google.com

by : M. Rifky Fahyuzar

     Next, he put on his best clothes. He wore his newest coat and went to the party again. The host at once got up and came to meet him. The host offered him the best table and gave him a good seat and served him the best food

     Nasreddin sat and put off his coat. He put his coat and said; “Eat the food, Coat!” the hosts and guests were very surprised and asked Nareddin; “What are doing?” Nasreddin replied calmly; “When I came here with my old clothes, nobody looked at me. Then I went home and put on my best clothes. I came back in my newest coat and you all give me this best food and drink. So, you give food to my coat instead of me”. Getting Nasreddin’s answer, they just shook the head.

Sourced by : www.google.com

by : Grandinarto

One year later, Wong family got a new baby. A nurse brought them a son with curly hair and a black skin.

     The nurse congratulated and said, "What name will you give to this son?"

With a confused face, Jacky Wong grumbled, "Sam Ting Wong!"

Source : www.google.com
by   : Ghoffar